It’s 7 am and I am sitting on my bed in a quaint villa in this lovely and serene wellness retreat place – The Farm at San Benito in Batangas, Philippines. Being in the countryside and so close to nature, I have been enjoying some quiet time, trying to pull back from an, otherwise, hectic lifestyle. Oftentimes we get too caught up in the web of routine and red tape we call life, that we forget how enjoyable it is to drop everything you are doing, drop all your worries and just be still. So that’s what I have been doing the past 2 days and this alone time is giving me a chance to reflect on the year that is about to end.
I must say that 2013 has been a year of personal transformation. It is this year that I felt I experienced so much growth emotionally and spiritually. I have met so many unique people from, what I would have previously called, an almost different realm – from yoga teachers, to energy workers, TCM practitioners, clairvoyants, sound healers, Reiki masters – all who have enlightened me in some way, led me to a path of self-discovery, which helped me understand myself better, and hold true to my passions. I have never been happier and the world has never been as huge and as vibrantly fascinating as it is now.
On this journey of self-discovery, the most valuable lessons I have learned have to do with the most important thing in this entire world, what you and I and everybody else in the entire universe, admittedly or unadmittedly, want – Love! Let’s face it, no matter how mushy it may sound – love makes the world go round. It is the very essence of your being. As Levine would put it, “love is the only rational act.” So let me share with you these learnings, and maybe you can pick up a thing or two from them too.
Try to look back at each frustration you have ever encountered when it comes to love. Why do you get frustrated? Because the person you love won’t love you in return? Because you feel your partner is taking you for granted? Because you are bewildered why your partner won’t introduce you to her friends? Because your partner is not giving you the attention and affection you want? If you look at the root cause of each of these frustrations, it all comes from not getting what you were expecting – be it a reciprocation of your love, affection, attention, security, recognition, the list goes on.
Lesson No. 1 – Love without expectation.
I know. It sounds hard but, really, once you learn to genuinely let go of all your expectations and just give your love genuinely to someone – it is the most relieving, de-stressing and freeing feeling ever. When you have no expectations, you will have no frustrations as well. For example, if you love someone and do special things for that person, if you do not expect anything in return, if that person does not love you back or do special things for you too, you would not be bothered since you were just happy loving him and doing special things for him. If that person loves you back and does special things for you and you were not expecting it, then what an unexpected good thing that must be. It would feel so good to do acts of love and kindness for your loved one just because you want to and because it makes you happy, and without your personal fulfillment being tied to a response or reaction from your partner!
When you love, love because you choose to. As Osho would say, “share love because you are overflowing with it“, not because you are expecting something out of it. Remember, people are born free and are meant to be free – free to make their own choices and to act as they wish. It is no one’s obligation to love back or to give back. Love because you are overflowing with love and happiness that you want to share it with another person, not because you feel incomplete and want something in return. Ah but before you get to this point, you must feel genuine love and happiness on your own first.
Lesson No. 2 – Love yourself first.
As Jo Courdert puts it, the single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose. Before you can be capable of sharing love with others, you must be full of love and full of happiness first. Imagine if your love & happiness reservoir was only half filled, when you partner with someone, consciously or unconsciously, you would be expecting your partner to fill your reservoir up to the rim so that you will feel complete. But in this scenario, your expectations start again and so will your frustrations.
So make it a goal to be full of happiness and full of love in your aloneness first. If you think you know yourself well enough already, think again. Oftentimes, especially for people who have been in and out of relationships, we know ourselves on the basis of us “plus one”. Being alone is not bad or sad, especially if you use your alone time wisely. Don’t just sulk there and wonder why everyone else has found their prince charming or sleeping beauty. Cherish that time and use it to discover who you really are, what your gifts are, what you are truly capable of and most importantly, what your passions are. Go out and travel, read, let go of your arrogance and explore those self-help or personal development books you have shunned because of that “who the hell reads those things” notion, try new things without fear, open yourself up to the weird and unusual. This will help you find out what your passions are, which will help you to really get to know yourself better and achieve a level of happiness and self-love like no other. Only then will you be capable of truly sharing love and happiness with others without expectations, and in a supportive and inter-dependent versus a demanding and co-dependent way.
Lesson No. 3 is just for ladies. Being attuned with your Feminine energies enables you to bring out the Masculine energies in your man.
I met an earth angel & tarot card reader in Koh Samui, Abigail Pattman who told me about LeBlanc’s One Minute Goddess, which opened my eyes to the reality that my previous relationship problems could have been of my own unconscious doing as well. For all the ladies out there, I’m sure you have complained at least once in your life that your man is too immature, or too dependent, or you seem to be giving more in your relationship but you don’t feel like you’re being taken care of as much as you want to. Well, maybe that is just the kind of man you are attracting in your life.
All of us, regardless of gender have both Feminine and Masculine energies. Based on the law of attraction, opposites do attract. The masculine energy attracts the feminine energy, and the feminine energy attracts the masculine energy just like how magnets attract the opposite. If you are a woman operating with so much masculine energy (i.e. strong, independent, competitive), either of two things will happen: (1) you attract men in your life operating on feminine energy (i.e. emotional, passive, dependent), or (2) the type of energy you bring out in the man in your life is feminine. I know it’s hard for us working women not to operate on our masculine energies since this is what the business world calls for, but as long as we know what energies we are operating on at any given moment and to make that necessary shift when needed, say shift from masculine to feminine energy when we are with our partners or when we are done with work, then we’re good.
Women, don’t be afraid to show your vulnerable side. Your feminine vulnerability is attractive. It inspires your man to step into that gap and protect you. When your man feels you need his care and protection, you inspire him to be on his full masculine energies and to be the man you want in your life.
Well, those are the love lessons I’ve learned in 2013! I hope you got something from them – if not, then I hope this blog entertained you in some way 😉 2014 is about to start so I wish you all a year of infinite goodness, love, inspiration and purpose!
Happy New Year! 😉
© Karen Cornejo, December 2013